So I think a lot about how I would be if I were a different person.  Allow me to share.  If I were a realtor I’d be a one that only sold crack houses because people need a place to smoke their crack with confort.  If I were a doctor I’d specialize in tonsil removal because I think that would be pretty dang easy and not that gross.  If I were gay I’d be disco gay.  If I were a lumberjack I’d be a gay one.  I guess that would make me a gay disco lumberjack.  I think I could pull it off.  If I were a scientist I’d study fires and how we as people of the earths can use fires for good and not evil.  If I were a terrorist I’d use hugs as my weapon.  I’d aggressively hug people.  Violently hug the crap out of folks.  Nobody would be safe.  Men, sure.  Women, oh yes.  Children, yeah put not in a creepy way.  They’d get hugged where they least expect it.  On the bus or at the grocery store.  I’d just pop out and hug the fuck out of them.  Then I’d send a letter to some media outlet so I could properly claim the hugging.  “It seems that today’s horrendous hugging has been claimed by the SotNLoTS (Scrib of the Nation Liberation of Turds Squardron).  Two women and their children were viciously hugged while they were on their way to a birthday party that was being held in a church in a small town in a rural state of the US.  More news at 11.”

If I were a hypnotist I’d do shows at old folks homes and make them think they were dogs in heat.  Then I’d leave.  But not before I saw a little old action.

If I were an astronaut I think you know what planet I’d explore.  Thoroughly.  Every wrinkle and pucker.

If I were a lady I’d be infatuated with my breasts and intimidated and unsure about my vagina.

If I were a guy who could do whatever he wanted I’d blog every single word I uttered throughout the day.  Though if I was a guy who could do whatever I wanted that would mean that I was either very rich or invisible.  If rich then I would record every word I uttered and pay someone to type it out.  If invisible then I wouldn’t have much to type since part of being invisible is the necessity of being very quiet.  Either way it works out.

If I sold drugs I would only sell illegal drugs.  I like living on the edge.

If I bred dogs I would breed only purebreds.  I’d cross-breed species of dogs so I could name them myself.  All species of my newly created dogs would have names that started with Uterine.  “Oh look at this wonderful Uterine Palmrod.  I hear that this species of dog is especially adept at crotch sniffing.  How wonderfully delightful!”