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I figured out where all my dirty underwear have been going. Actually I didn’t figure it out. I’m no super sleuth who can crack capers with persistence and diligence. Hell, I’m not even a Matlock that can get by with good old common sense and a down-to-earth personality. I’m a Matlock wannabe. I discovered a note at the bottom of my dirty clothes hamper. The dirty clothes hamper I reserve for just my underwear. How odd, you must be thinking, to have a dirty clothes hamper just for my underwear. Well if you know me and if you have ever seen me in my underwear then you know well I can soil a set of drawers. And who the hell wants that in amongst their Sunday best. I for one do not. Anyway, the note reads:

Dear Sexy Sir,

The fact that you are reading this letter tells me that you finally got around to washing your clothes after your very long vacation. Also, since you are reading this then I can only assume that you have noticed that the clothing you wear so close to your fabulous man parts have gone missing. Allow me to explain. Oh, and welcome back from your vacation. I missed watching you unnoticed so very very much.

As usual I stayed at your house uninvited while you were away on whatever uncaring adventure you were having. I spent most of my time in your bed smelling your aromas that you so carelessly discarded onto your sheets. As time wore on your scents were lost in my own strong and musky odors that I accidentally left while I slept and dreamt of you. As I would long for you I had no smell to remind me of your extreme masculinity. I grew desperate and would scratch and sniff the various colored stains on your sheets. Perhaps you noticed the holes in your sheets. Perhaps you have been spending nights in someone else’s cold bed and could care less about the condition of your own bed. A bed that could very easily accommodate two grown men albeit one much huskier than the other. Anyway, I was lonely so I called my exboyfriend, Will Sasso. Yes that Will Sasso from Fox’s MadTV. We talked and I cried and we shared some wine and gave way to drunk passion the night before you were to return. The next morning was kind of awkward. I thought Will knew it was a night of quick comfort and nothing more. When he got all snuggly with me that morning I had to explain to him that we will never be. Will became upset and threatened to break the many nice things in your home. Things he mistook as mine. I explained to Will that the house that we shared our night of weakness in was not mine but my boy of desire. Will became so upset that he ran into your room and locked the door. He was in there for so long. He wouldn’t speak to me and I was scared he was doing awful things in your lust-filled bed. I tried the door handle one last time before I was about to kick down the door. It was unlocked. I came in and found an open window and a note written by Will that said if he couldn’t be my plump lover than he would steal you from me. I flew around the room to see if Will stole anything of value. That’s when I noticed all of your underwear that you had used to cover your supreme man crotch were gone. Will had stolen my precious’. Damn him. I swear I will get your underwear back and wash them when I am done with them and fold them and put them away without you even knowing I had been in your house. And I will buy you some more Mayo. When I get upset I get low blood sugar and I need to eat or I will pass out. Though I can only imagine what delightful things you would do to me if you found me unconscious in your bedroom if you would only give in to your feelings. We can make things work if you could just give us a chance. I am begging you. I have said too much and I must leave. Please do not answer your door if you see Will Sasso on the other side through the peep hole. Take care of all of your dangley manliness.

With so much painful love,

Jim Belushi

Damn you Sasso. As if I need another stalker in my life.