Let me tell you about the fucking sandwich I ate today. IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS. I kid you not. Let me start at the beginning.
In my youth I was introduced to Fluff-a-Nutters. Two slices of white bread. One slice backs the peanut butter and the other slice brings the pain with marshmallow creme. The opposing sides do battle in my mouth and in the end the true winner is me and my tastebuds. I desired a FaN and began to set the stage for another epic battle of culinary forces. I really cannot say which opponent I prefer but I find myself stacking the peanut butter battalions with just a smidge more reinforcements than it’s archenemy. Everything was set. The bread had been lain. The mallow whip open and ready. The only thing left was to release the pb from it’s frosty confines of the refrigerator region. Yep, I keep my butters in the fridge for max freshness. Peanut butter, apple butter, butter butter, margarine (damn right it’s butter if it’s the closest thing to butter you can eat due to certain intolerances), and pear butter are all kept and a preserving 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Believe.
I open the fridge to retrieve the pb squadron and I am encountered by a fair maiden in my fridge. Of course she was miniature otherwise she would have squashed all of my delicious consumables. The maiden was weeping. I asked what her quandary was. She stated from her MiracleWhip perch that an evil monster has invaded her land and was fouling her realm’s otherwise lovely terrain and atmosphere. I told her that I’d like to help but I kind of in the middle of an immense conflict of my own. She bellowed and carried on. I told her that I really do want to help her but there was no way I would be able to fit in my fridge. She begged and begged for my assistance. Finally I said “Listen bitch, I’m to fucking big to fit in my GD fridge so shut the fuck up and embrace your demise”. She became offended and blew what I now know is magic (for it’s odor absorbing abilities) baking soda into my nose. With a whirl and a pop I became miniature and naked. But from the look on the maiden’s face I gathered I wasn’t so miniature everywhere if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Right? My penis. And nuts.
So I’m very small and naked and standing on top of my peanut butter which is in the fridge. And there is a small lady standing in front of me. Watching me. I’m naked and she’s watching me. All of me. My stuff and everything. Finally she says that she’s sorry but it’s time I find out what really goes on in my fridge. She says it’s time to meet her people. She grabs my hand and we float to what looks like a giant bunt cake. It looks that way because it is a bunt cake. It is also very large. We crawl through a crack in the cake to the center of the dessert. I am beholden by a magical land filled with little people busying themselves with keeping a giant green fuzzy thing at bay. The green thing was huge. It had covered their baby carrot houses and their gherkin sheds from the other side of the chocolate wall. More than half of their food village was destroyed and the little people’s attempts at saving what remained were futile. After gawking for what must have been several minutes I asked “Who the fuck are you and why the hell are you in my refrigerator? We’ll get to how an incorporated city came to be in the center of a forgotten bunt cake later.” The maiden explained that they were Sprittles. They were like Sprites but littler. Their people are spread far and wide amongst the fridges of the world. They try to exist for as long as they can until they are thrown out with the old leftovers and rotten vegetables or consumed by rampant mold growth. She was the mayor of her people in my fridge. She was tired of the never ending cycle that her people endure so she called on me for my help. She assumed that since I owned the fridge that I would have some control over what grows and what food stays. I told her I could leave old food in my fridge but then I would run out of room for fresh food. I also explained to her that the only control I have over mold is to remove it and thoroughly wash the surface that was affected with a detergent and follow that up with sanitizing the dish with a chemical or really hot water. Non of what I was saying was agreeable to her so I told her I would help her move to an area that would forever be mold free and never discarded. I led her people to the promised land. We encountered rivers of leaking milk and swamps of rotten lettuce on our journey. Some Sprittles perished and I witnessed ceremonies of an ancient culture never before seen by normal human eyeballs. The maiden mayor fell in love with me during our trek and we had many inappropriate sexual episodes. Finally we were in sight of their bastion of safety and sanitation. They rejoiced at how beautiful and amazing their new tower was. I helped them move in and told them I had to leave because I had to go back to work. I figured I’d be pretty much an hour late for my lunch break. The Sprittles threw me a party and the maiden mayor freaked me in a way that would make porno people blush. I departed from their newly dubbed “Jif Tower” (I helped them come up with that) and became full size again. I put my clothes back on and continued with my sandwich.
For what it’s worth to the Sprittles, that was the best fucking Fluff-a-Nutter I have ever had in my life.
